Cubiclues

Tips From A Temp

2008-09-01T12:51:00.000-07:00

Hello my cubicle cohorts! Today's article is from Anne Altman who provides us with a guide on how to survive in the cutthroat world we know as the corporate sector. Tread carefully!

1. Relish the Comfort of Corporate Largesse

Two jobs ago I shared a conference table in a windowless room with 12 other people five days a week. My last gig was a step up: an office in the Empire State Building, a jewel of an historic building with climate control from another century. Imagine my delight when I arrived at my current job to find not only my own air-conditioned cubicle, desk, phone, computer, and Aeron chair, but a nearby pantry stocked with free coffee, milk, and cereal -- including my guilty pleasure, Corn Pops.

2. Learn the Jargon, but Use It Carefully

Each time I'm assigned to a new company, it's like moving to a new country. I've got to learn the local language. In my current office, the underwriters talk about "sublimits," "percentage deductibles," and "quota-share excess renewals." It's Greek to me. There's also an account service notification form, otherwise known as an ASNF. Say that one aloud and see if you don't laugh as hard as I did.

3. Follow the Manual, Keep Your Sense of Humor

Bureaucracies are big on protocol. There's a right way to do everything -- like recording your voice mail message. My company manual suggests this: "Hello. This is Anne Altman. I am unavailable . Please leave a message and I'll return your call as soon as possible. Thanks and have a nice day." Here's what I'd really like to say: "Hi. This is Anne Altman and I'm screening your call. I will most likely reply to your voice mail with an e-mail so I don't have to speak with you. Buzz off."

4. Drink the Kool-Aid, Just Don't Chug It

Bureaucracies are little subcultures that sometimes seem more like cults. Take sales meetings. They bear a cult's telltale signs: leader [an over-caffeinated VP of sales], mantra [Accelerate in 2008!], big production number ["The Future's So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades"], and ritualistic insignia [logo-emblazoned totes]. I sit in the back where nobody can catch me scrawling "KILL ME PLEASE" on my handout.

5. Don't Get too Comfortable

Settle in. Master the language. Sip the Kool-Aid. But remember: You could be out on a moment's notice. I was once denied a dollar-an-hour raise. At first I was insulted. But the next week two execs were canned with no notice, led down the hall like criminals, and spirited out with a "We'll mail you the contents of your desk." Young guys right out of college were speechless. Me? I poured myself a bowl of Corn Pops and sat back down in my Aeron chair.

I've adapted so well to my new environment that my boss wants to offer me a job, make me legit: an underwriter. "So, Anne," he said. "Do you like insurance?" After some stalling I said: "Look, I don't understand this stuff, but I love the cereal here. I love the chairs. I really, really like a few of the people, and I'd like to stay. How can we make that happen? Could I have a demotion? Order staplers and stuff? That I know how to do."

You said it, lady!

Resume Mistakes

2008-08-27T01:42:00.000-07:00

Hola office ogres!

Today we're going to educate you on what not to include on those nifty resumes of yours. You may think it's common sense, but you'll see from the following examples (true stories) that some people don't have any!

1. Personal: Married with 5 children. Only two are mine.

2. My strength is in my tremendous loyalty. Don't tell my current employers though.

3. Although I have listed 17 jobs on my resume, I am not a job hopper. In fact, I have never quit any of them.

4. Reason For Leaving Last Job- I couldn't work for Mum forever now could I?

5. Please call me after 6pm. I am self-employed but my employer does not know I am looking for another job.

Top 5 Sure-Fire Ways To Be Excused From A Meeting

2008-08-21T09:33:00.000-07:00

1. Say your dealer just called and the cops are confiscating your part of the stash.

2. Wet your pants and tell everyone that "it happens when I'm excited"

3. Aim your laser pointer at people's genitals and yell "Keep your hands where I can see them!"

4. Start to yawn, then slowly progress to sleeping on the table and finally slump lifelessly to the floor

5. Begin to ask a question, with "Excuse me, you make a valid point there but why...M! C! A! It's fun to stay at the YMCA-ay!

The Things We Think And Do Not Say

2008-08-17T07:19:00.000-07:00

========= PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT ========

A man is the sum total of his experiences.

How can we do something surprising, and memorable with our lives? How can we turn this job, in small but important ways, into a better representation of ourselves? Most of us would easily say that we are our jobs. That's obvious from the late hours we all keep. So then, it is bigger than work, isn't it? It is about us.

How do we wish to define our lives?

Is it important to be a Person and not just a slave to commerce and industry? Do we want to be Remembered?

Let's bring soul and character to what is already there. I propose that we recreate everything that we're currently about. Right now we're at the top of our game. Traditionally people do one thing at this point in their success. They try like hell to maintain what they did to get there.
Their personal and intense road to success, their original inspiration (which is at the heart of every success) is now lost in the pursuit to keep the money machine smoothly rolling forward.

Delivering crisp green sheets of greater and greater amounts of fortune. But there is a problem with this stage in the success game. In so doing this maintain-success cycle, they forget the original glimmer of passion that got them there.

And historically, no one successful ever pauses to think that they might tumble like everyone before them who forgot. The whole success cycle dooms the very thing that causes the success in the first place - it puts shutters on the windows of reality. It makes us all forget that monetary success comes from something very pure. It comes from a desire to do well, to make life better, not just to do well with financial regularity.

Let us be honest with ourselves.

Let us be honest with them.

Forget the dance.

Focus.

What do you REALLY want?

White Collar Woes Poem

2008-08-14T07:17:00.000-07:00

TGIF! And to celebrate that we here at Cubiclues are bringing you another of our original poems. This one is called "White Collar Woes"!

White Collar Woes

I lie in bed at five past six and can't bear the thought of work,
My name card says senior executive but I'm just a glorified clerk,
My colleagues are all idiots but my boss doesn't seem to know,
Maybe it's because she's in the dictionary under the word bimbo.

I sit in my cubicell and stare at the walls,
I do nothing all day but shake and bake balls,
I pass the time by daydreaming about my year end vacation,
While I surf porn sites from my little workstation.

Watercooler time, let's check what's the goss,
Bob says he knows something funny about the boss,
He swears me to secrecy and proceeds to tell it so,
That the boss used to be a dude like five years ago.

Two three four o'clock five o'clock rock!
I'm outta my seat and punched out the clock,
Heading back home before I'm driven any more insane,
Another two days till I get those white collar woes again!

Have a grrrreat weekend everybody!

Corporate Language Explained

2008-08-13T06:45:00.000-07:00

Hello my hopeless hermits!

Today we're going to translate some of the sophisticated terms you encounter in your day-to-day corporate life. Read between the lines!

1. MUST BE METICULOUS AND DETAILED- responsibility for your work lies with you, we can't afford quality inspections

2. GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS- tell the clients what they want to hear and listen to everything the boss has to say

3. TEAM PLAYER- your contribution is appreciated but you're not getting any of the credit

4. PRO-ACTIVE AND RESPONSIBLE- do what you have to do without being told, if anything bad happens it's your fault alone

5. COMPETITIVE SALARY- our offer is comparable to the lowest in the industry

6. CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE- we pay you to little to expect you to dress well

7. EXPERIENCED CANDIDATE PREFERRED- to make up for the combined experience of four people who just left

8. CAREER MINDED- no life, no family, just work

9. EXCELLENT REMUNERATION AND BONUS- we own your ass for life

10. MUST BE FLEXIBLE- bend down, grab your ankles and enjoy it

Top 10 Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren't

2008-08-11T07:00:00.000-07:00

Hello my bored business barnacles!

Today we're going to get down and dirty with the things you heard at the office that made you go what?? (Taken from www.bitoffun.com)

10. I need to whip it out by 5.

9. Mind if I use your laptop.

8. Put it in my box before I leave.

7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!!.

6. I want it on my desk, NOW.

5. HMMMMMMMMMM.....I think it's out of fluid.

4. My equipment is so old it takes forever to finish.

3. It's an entry-level position.

2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?

AND #1...It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there.

That's what she said!

20 Things You'd Love To Say At Work

2008-08-05T06:49:00.000-07:00

Greetings my garrulous gremlins!

Today we are going to have a little therapy session. And what better way to achieve catharsis than by getting all the things we want to say off our chests!

1. Did you wake up on the wrong side of your period today?

2. Oh, hey the Loch Ness monster look DOES work for you

3. Your perfume smells nice, what is it called? Urine?

4. It's not right to point fingers. So I'll just say it's your fault.

5. I called in sick yesterday. Sick of you.

6. You remind me of a younger version of myself. Except that I was never a damned moron.

7. I can't hear what you're saying, come back later when I'm deaf.

8. I just got off the phone with yo mamma, she said it's time for your breastfeeding.

9. The boss wants to see you in his room. Do you need a condom while you're there?

10. You're a hero to working mums everywhere. In fact, you're like our office's version of Britney.

11. I can't understand a word of your vagina monologue.

12. I'd like to use your powerpoint presentation...to wipe my ass.

13. Hey, I hope the coffee I made isn't too sweet? I only put two teaspoons of piss in it.

14. Hey man, your car just exploded. Don't worry, before it happened I moved it to an empty space where no one could get hurt.

15. Hey boss, I saw your personal ad in the classifieds yesterday. Real classy. How much do you charge per hour again?

16. I was dumbstruck by your presentation. Who knew your species had evolved this much?

17. I signed that document you needed. Oh, I ran out of pens so I used my faeces instead. Hope you don't mind!

18. Did it hurt when you bent over backwards for the boss?

19. I'd like to help but I'm really tired from last night. Your wife was insatiable!

20. Don't worry, shit happens. And you just happen to be full of it.

Now go print these and use them whenever you can! (Or you could make some nifty t-shirts or mugs)

*This list is an original piece. Please credit the blog if you wish to reproduce it.

I Am Jack's Medulla Oblongata

2008-08-04T16:09:00.000-07:00

Public Service Announcement

I know you. You, yuppie-consumerist-corporation slave-zombie. You woke up this morning, dreading the thought of another 12 hour work day, tied to your desk, pushing your paper and counting your beans while being consoled by the fact that you are only 4 days away from the weekend and 20, 000 more till you bite the dust.

What would you have accomplished by then? A little money in the bank? Two ingrate children who dump you in the retirement home where you spend the rest of your days reminiscing about what could have been? Some nice memories that are slowly becoming distorted after all those years vicariously living through others.

Wake up, you idiot. Stop guzzling that Starbucks swill and get off your ergonomic IKEA chair. This is your life. Live it.

What are you? Just another statistic. What do we care about? Celebrity gossip. Fancy cars. Designer clothes. Technological solutions for modern living. You don't need that. It doesn't fill the void where your soul used to be. It does not make your life any less of the living hell it is right now.

You are not your job. You are not your bank account. You are not the contents of your wallet. You are NOT your fucking sedan car.

The things you own, end up owning you.

I say never be complete. May you never be content. I say stop being perfect. Evolve. Let the chips fall where they may.

We are the middle children of history. We are born of mediocrity and we will die having achieved nothing. We have no great war, our war is a daily one that lies within. We have no great depression, except the one you call your life.

This is your life and it is ending one minute at a time. We are all part of the same grand tragedy. It is only after we have lost everything that we are free to do anything.

Who am I?

I am the person you are not strong enough to become. All the ways you wish you could be, that's me. I look like you want to look. I fuck like you want to fuck. I am smart. I am capable.
But most of all, I am free in all the ways that you are not.

Sincerely,

You.

Office Cartoons

2008-08-03T20:08:00.000-07:00

Wake up slackers!

Here's some visual therapy to help you shake off those Monday blues!

I'm In Love With My Boss Poem

2008-07-31T06:33:00.000-07:00

Good day office drones! Today we bring you another original poem from the Cubiclues team. Have fun!

I'm In Love With My Boss

I gaze at him from my little corner space,
Him in his three piece suit with his serious face,
When will he realise that we belong with each other,
Hopefully before I get matchmade by my meddlesome old mother.

We cross paths at the water cooler and he gives me a smile,
My heart stops beating and I float for awhile,
I'm writing this down in my diary tonight next to his hair,
I bribed his barber for a lock of it when he got his haircut there.

He drops a stack of files as he passes my desk,
Yes! My camera phone got a nice picture of his tight toned ass,
The other bitches here have a crush on him too,
Just wait till I teach them a lesson in the office loo.

On my days off I park outside his house and watch him strut his fine self,
My friends say this is bad for me but what do they know about mental health?,
I've asked him so many times to let me be a part of his life,
But just because I'm a guy he thinks I can't be a good wife.

Stop watching your boss and back to work!

Out Of Office Reply

2008-07-30T12:45:00.001-07:00

Hi,

I am currently away from my desk attending a mandatory but entirely redundant training course. I will be unable to reply all the emails received until I return the following Monday morning of which you can be assured that I will delete all of them accordingly using the First In First Out method.

By the way, I will also be undergoing surgery to remove an appendage. When I return I hope you will address me as Roberta.

Yours truly,

Robert Flack

31st July 2008

Your Job: Myth vs Truth Part 2

2008-07-28T08:02:00.000-07:00

5. Marketing/ Advertising/ Public Relations

The Myth: You are creative, brilliant and have a keen eye for contemporary trends. Your work helps build brand images and legacies, educating millions about smarter choices and opens their eyes to a world of possibilities. You help companies and causes build awareness, generate excitement and infuse products and services with an identity beyond the tangible. You are an inspiration to the rest of the corporate denizens.

The Truth: You are a frighteningly unethical salesman, you are so devious that you could sell the idea of Stevie Wonder chauffeur services. Everything out of your mouth is basically BS being spun in a positive light to deceive naive or materialistic people. You are only interested in helping unscrupulous companies make more profits regardless of the negative effect it may have on youth and society in the long term. Your expertise is creating needs that don't exist and making the world a shallower place. Enjoy that blood money while you can, you heartless capitalist.

6. Human Resources

The Myth: You are your company's shining beacon of light. A paragon of all that is virtuous and noble about the firm. Your job is to ensure the employees are satisifed, motivated and appreciated. You instill enthusiasm and purpose in the company culture, making sure everyone is part of "the family". You believe that HR is not only vital to the company, but it is the pulse that keeps it alive.

The Truth: Everyone hates you. It's true. You are the office "Two Face" because you are nice to everyone but stab everyone who trusts you in the back to ensure the best possible situation for management.. You have no identity of your own anymore because you have been consistently brainwashed with company cliche values and policies. You live, breathe the company to the point people can't stomach the sight of you. Your job mainly involves making sure everyone goes by the book and that a totalitarian (but upbeat!) rule is established. You are despicable and possibly Judas Iscariot reincarnated.

7. Business Consultant

The Myth: You are innovative, intuitive and quite the problem solver. Companies and organizations look to you to save them from financial and operational oblivion and of course, you never fail to deliver. Your job is fulfilling because you contribute to the progress and constant improvement of an organization's outlay and unltimately help build a better tomorrow. You're like Superman really, but in a business suit.

The Myth: You are a mercenary who peddles trite and rehashed ideas your company stole from the Harvard Business School syllabus. All you do is pretend to observe obvious faults of an organization and proceed to provide anodyne, generic solutions that will probably fail so that you can charge your client for a second consult. Your days are mostly spent "analyzing" a company's activities and personnel in which you will not decipher anything but it doesn't matter as long as you clock in the hours. Basically you are a glorified business textbook who gained a misplaced sense of confidence after watching every single season of The Apprentice.

8. IT Technician/ Analyst/ Programmer

The Myth: You are the information highway. The world wide web, hardware, software, nothing is beound your knowledge. Your presence is highly sought after and your job is rewarding because without you, office technology comes to a standstill. You are an expert at creating websites, flash art, avant garde videos and basically anything the mind can fathom. Steve Jobs would squeal like a teenager if you joined Apple. In fact, Bill Gates is the new you (not the other way round).

The Truth: You are a 40 year old virgin (online alias: Neo) and you live in your parents basement. Your only friend is the one you created for yourself on Second Life and the highlight of the week for you is reenacting Return Of The Jedi with costumes your mum made (once in awhile she'll play Princess Leia). At work, you are stuck in a dark, dingy corner unfit for Quasimodo and you are only seen when some moron needs you to reboot his PC. Once, you actually interacted with the office hottie and since then you dream about her every night. You don't see her around the office anymore. Not since you started that tribute site in her honor. Must be a coincidence, right?

Time to reevaluate your careers!

Your Job: Myth vs Truth Part 1

2008-07-27T10:59:00.000-07:00

Morning my frisky little ferrets!

Today we're going to focus on the myths and truths that describe you and your job. Ready? And here...we...go!

1. Auditor/ Accountant
The Myth: You are meticulous, diligent and persistent. Nothing gets past you and you will crunch those numbers till kingdom come if that's what it takes to balance those figures. You are sponsored by your firm to pursue your professional qualification and from then on it's smooth sailing to the point you assume the CFO mantle.

The Truth: You are unimaginative, lack vision and like being a trained mule. You are dispensable like paper plates and the only reason you got your job is because no one else wanted it. By the time you're done with ur ACCA/CPA/CRAP you will be old, used and jaded from all the endless nights doing thankless work. You will then be put out to pasture. High chance of you joining the "Bitter Old Singles Club".

2. Investment Banker

The Myth: You are a high flying corporate executive with a mind as sharp as ginsu knives and a bank account bigger than a small third world country's GDP. Every investment you made has seen its returns quadruple and you are the shining light of your company and your millionaire clients. Your social life is filled with meeting people of a similar stature and the least you will date is a supermodel. No housing or subprime recession can hold you down, the only direction you're heading is up!

The Truth: You are literally chained to your desk all day to monitor the share market. On slow days they let you have 8 seconds for lunch. You are constantly under pressure from the market, your boss and greedy but dumb clients. You are one bum deal away from financial ruin and you are seriously considering that proposal to commit securities fraud/insider trading. The last interaction you had with a woman was watching Hannah Montana videos after work. Suicide is not an option for you. It is a vacation.

3. Customer Service/ Global Support

The Myth: You are the frontline of the company, the face and voice to represent the organization's values and mission. You are cordial, polite, informative and always cheerful. You personify the saying "smile in your voice". There isn't a problem or complaint you can't handle and you always end conversations with a big smile and "thank you,have a good day!". What can you say? You're a people person!

The Truth: You are a glorified answering machine. Even the cleaning crew serve more of a purpose than you. Your job is menial and facetious but you deluded yourself into thinking the company and clients can't do without your "expertise". You get more complaints than the Bush administration and spend most of your time watching David Cook videos on Youtube while pretending to write your groundbreaking reports. You would be the first person the company "lets go" in the event of a restructure and no one would notice if you were gone. You will most likely be on Prozac or seek therapy to cope with your descension into dementia.

4. Government/ Civil Servant

The Myth: You serve your country by conducting any number of valuable services within your jurisdiction or respective ministry. Each day you strive to make the country a better place and are relentless in your efforts to bring progress and efficiency to the community. The civil sector would be ineffectual without you and the country would be worse for wear. You are a symbol of patriotism, loyalty and respect!

The Truth: Get real. You are dumb, lazy, incompetent and did I say dumb? Your job pays peanuts which makes you a monkey. Everyday that you are above ground is a curse on humanity. You come in to work at 10 am, leave at 4 pm. In between you drink more tea than the whole of China could provide and gossip about local and foreign celebrities or your next door neighbour. You got your job because of nepotism and favouritism (and because someone is behind you and has your back). The only good thing about you is that you make the people mentioned above seem like Stephen Hawking by comparison.

Come back tomorrow for Part 2!

How To Tell If Your Colleague Is A Superhero

2008-07-22T14:51:00.000-07:00

Salutations My Evasive Executives!

Today we continue with the second part of our "How To Tell" segment. But this time, we're talking about the guy who sits next to you in the office. The guy you know nothing about although you seem him everyday. Yes, you know the one. Is he or isn't he then?

The Colleague

1. He's mild mannered, quiet and mostly keeps to himself (because he's hiding something, duhhh)

2. He's always late for work and his excuse is "I had something important to do"

3. Like your secret superhero boss, has seemingly no social life but is a nocturnal character

4. Despite not being around much, always gets the job done (and darn well too!)

5. Always disappears mysteriously when you need him most but just as surreptitiously reappears at the right time

6. Has deep psychological issues which explain his introverted character (alternately could be a psycho serial killer/rapist/pedophile)

7. Has a suspicious relationship with clients or subject of work which always is beneficial to him

8. Your boss treats him like dirt but he takes it like a hoover

9. Completely lacks charm, social skills and only thing he's laid in months is a brick

10. Will always be there when you need (or cry) help

Now go find out if your friendly neighborhood colleague is more than what he seems!

How To Tell If Your Boss Is A Superhero

2008-07-22T11:18:00.000-07:00

Greetings Cubicle Crusaders!

Now we all have employers who we feel are a little peculiar or idiosyncratic. We don't really know why they are the way they are but perhaps there's something "extraordinary" about them. For all you know, they could be leading a double life! Here's a guide on how to assuage those suspicions of yours.

The Boss

1. He's a billionaire playboy who inherited a legacy from his deceased parents

2. He never shows up at the office but always has plenty of free time for social events and fundraisers

3. Mysterious social life which consists mainly of flings with beautiful women and other prominent businessmen

4. Owns multiple organizations, properties and establishments through third parties and proxies

5. Has an intimidating but charming personality which you can't help but sense is a facade

6. Siphons company earnings to fund his personal exploits

7. Frequently appears in the media with sensational headlines

8. Has repressed emotional issues which leave him detached and aloof

9. People who pose a threat or disagree with him mysteriously vanish

10. He disappears for weeks and returns like no time has gone by but no one dares question him

Does your boss exhibit any of these signs? With great power comes great possibilities!

Top 10 Office Pranks Part 2

2008-07-21T12:35:00.000-07:00

Prank #6: Training with a Twist

Pranksters: The training class at PrintingForLess.com

Scene of the Crime: PrintingForLess.com, based in Livingston, Montana

The Mission: While William Malek was in technical service representative training, he had to leave the office for two weeks to fly back to Stanford and wrap up some teaching engagements. While he was away, the rest of the training class at PrintingForLess.com got together and ran all of his equipment, including his mouse, computer screen, keyboard and phone through their shrink wrapping machine in the bindery.

Prank #7: Pranking the Pranksters

Pranksters: The employees at WRBV-TV, as told by Brian Eckert, former program director and production manager at the station. He's now the director of Media and Public Relations at the University of Richmond.

Scene of the Crime: WRBV-TV, Channel 65 in Vineland, New Jersey

The Mission: Eckert was out of the office the afternoon before April Fools' Day about 20 years ago. He and his co-workers had been involved in an escalating series of practical jokes. In his absence, his fellow employees got the key to his office and turned everything upside down, including the furniture, papers and office equipment. Unbeknownst to them, Eckert arrived unusually early the next day. He was stunned at what they'd done but decided to one-up their stunt. So he turned everything right-side up and left the office to get coffee before everyone arrived. When he got back, he unlocked his office and walked in like normal, pretending not to know what happened as they peeked into his office with confused looks on their faces. Unless they're reading this now, Eckert says they still don't know what went wrong with their April Fools' Day stunt.

Prank #8: Caught in the Act

Prankster: Hans Engebretson, senior account executive

Scene of the Crime: OLSON, based in Minneapolis

The Mission: Advertising agency OLSON was in the middle of a dispute with the city concerning a 10-foot-tall brick statue atop their office building. Officials had asked the statue be removed, however OLSON argued the "Brick Man" was both their icon and a piece of art. Hoping to get CEO John Olson fired up about the dispute, Engebretson left Olson a stern message from his own cell phone, disguising his voice and warning him that the agency was being fined $400 for each day that passed since their violation notice, which at that point totaled $12,000. Olson panicked and called the agency's COO. After hearing her advice, he called the number back, but Engebretson was on another call with a client so couldn't answer. The call went to voicemail, and Olson discovered the prank. Though he sprinted toward Engebretson's desk red-faced and head shaking, they all got a good laugh out of it. OLSON won the battle, and the "Brick Man" remains on the rooftop to this day.

Prank #9: Is That Your Final Answer?

Pranksters: Kimberly Hassler, former copy writer, along with co-worker Jeff White. Hassler is now a writer with Lehigh Valley Hospital and Health Networks in Allentown, Pennsylvania.

Scene of the Crime: Lieberman-Appalucci, based in Allentown, Pennsylvania

The Mission: The senior copy writer at Lieberman-Appalucci, John, wanted to be on Who Wants to be a Millionaire in the worst way. He told White he had qualified for the show the night before when he called an 800-number and was anticipating a call that day. He warned the receptionist to page him if anyone called and no matter what, not to put any calls into his voice mail. White lured John away from his desk, while Hassler, a regular prankster, placed a fake call to him saying she was a producer with the show and would like him to call back. When John returned to his office, he saw he had a message and was annoyed with the receptionist.

He frantically punched the number into his phone (which was the real number to ABC Studios in New York) and told the person who answered what he was calling about and was put on hold. Meanwhile, Hassler walked into his office and asked if she could have a month off from work to travel. When he said no, she asked, "Is that your final answer?" When he said yes, she asked again, and he realized what she was doing.

Prank #10: The Intern and the Press Release

Pranksters: Jeff Hardison, former account executive, along with co-worker Nate James. Hardison is now employed with McClenahan Bruer Communications, based in Portland, Oregon.

Scene of the Crime: A Portland, Oregon-based advertising and PR firm

The Mission: Around April 1, 2000, different teams within Hardison's former company were hiring so many new employees that the current ones were growing upset by all the new faces they didn't have a role in approving. So Hardison and co-worker, James, worked with their IT administrator to create a fake e-mail address for a "new intern" named something like Jessica Benet Ramsfeld. They sent out an e-mail to the entire company from her address, laden with misspellings and teenage slang. The scenario: Since "Jessica's" supervisors were out of the office for her first day, she ended up having to send out a news release about a new ice cream flavor for their gourmet food client. The ice cream flavor was going to be called "Spirit Cow" in honor of the Dalai Lama's visit. They attached a horribly written news release about the ice cream, with "Jessica" explaining that the release had already crossed the wire. People flipped--especially new employees who felt threatened.

Now go put these pranks into practice!

Top 10 Office Pranks

2008-07-21T00:12:00.000-07:00

Today's article comes from Entrepreneur.com who compiled a list of the Top 10 Office Pranks people pull in the office.

Prank #1: Foiled Again … and Again and Again.

Prankster: Michael Casto, former VP of design and now chief creative officer at Mindsalt Design & PR in Louisville, Kentucky

Scene of the Crime: An ad agency in Louisville

The Mission: Creative guru Casto decided to "foil" a co-worker while he was out of town on business. Despite inclement weather, including a tornado warning, nothing was going to stop Casto from wrapping every single item in the co-worker's office in aluminum foil. The mission, which required two industrial-size rolls of foil, took three people an hour and a half to pull off.

Prank #2: What's Wrong With My Mouse?

Prankster: Jerry Ostergaard, former PR director, now employed by Devry Inc. in Oakbrook Terrace, Illinois

Scene of the Crime: Allegiance Telecom, Inc., based in Dallas

The Mission: Ostergaard's joke is pretty simple to set up, but it managed to stump his IT technician. Ostergaard placed a small Post-It note with the words "April Fools!" written on it underneath his co-worker's mouse. When the technician attempted to use it, the track ball was ineffective. After about 10 minutes, he finally figured it out.

Prank #3: Always Cover Your Tracks

Prankster: Becky Boyd, former computer sales representative, now employed with MediaFirst PR, Atlanta

Scene of the Crime: Hewlett-Packard Company, based in Atlanta

The Mission: While working at Hewlett-Packard, Boyd's manager, Mark, always had a jar of M&Ms on his desk that he'd dive into every day. One of Boyd's co-workers, Bill, was known for being rather anti-social and grouchy, so one April Fools' Day, they decided to play a joke on him. As soon as Bill got up from his desk, Boyd and her cohorts stole the jar of M&Ms from Mark's desk and left a trail of chocolate on the floor leading to Bill's desk and hid the nearly empty jar in Bill's credenza.

Mark returned to his office and immediately noticed his M&Ms were missing. He followed the long trail through the rows of desks to where Bill was sitting. When he opened Bill's credenza and found the jar, Bill was shocked, but his fellow employees got quite a laugh.

Prank #4: A Prank with Potential

Pranksters: Emily Brand, account executive, with the help of her co-workers

Scene of the Crime: The Cannon Group, based in New York

The Mission: This covert plan hasn't happened yet--but it's set to go for this Monday, April 2. Brand and her co-workers are planning to pull a prank on their boss. Everyone plans on calling in with some type of excuse, leaving an empty office. The best part of the trick: A new hire is scheduled to start that day. But they won't be leaving the two alone for long. The co-workers plan on meeting at a local bakery to pick up breakfast for their boss before showing up at the office at the same time to say, "April Fools!"

Prank #5: A Joke That Ends with "I Quit!"

Pranksters: The employees of Dave Syferd & Partners, as told by Katie Robertson, PR account coordinator for Dave Syferd & Partners

Scene of the Crime: Dave Syferd & Partners, based in Seattle

The Mission: When Vandy Kindred, partner and creative director for advertising and public relations firm Dave Syferd & Partners went on vacation, he had no idea what he'd be coming back to. The day before he planned on returning, employees banded together to move the contents of his office into a small cubicle. Instead of leaving his former office empty, they set it up for the president of a company who leased cubicle space from them. When Kindred stepped into his former office the next day, he was instantly baffled by the new arrangement. After asking co-workers what was going on, they escorted him to his small cubicle, and he angrily fled the office.

Instead of allowing the company to demote him, Kindred decided to drive to Canada and become a park ranger. When his fellow employees hadn't heard from him for a few hours, they called him since he was expected to record audio for a client. Kindred was already sitting in line to cross into Canada, but decided to return to work in Seattle after an employee explained the joke.

Come back tomorrow for Part 2!

Faking it !! How to guide on missing work...

2008-07-16T06:33:00.000-07:00

Gossip boy

Everyone does it once in a blue moon..some even more often I might say than its recommended dosage...but yea..everyone 'MENGULAR' or 'SNAKING' (if there ever is a term like that) or skip work or just have a small time siesta during working hours...

Question is... how some people can actually fake it sooo well that nobody notices and still think they're god damn good at their work while some are actually tagged up their arse as a LAZY USELESS piece of work?

(pix) Pak ULAH

Here's a few tip on faking it so good even the Thai ladyboys (pix below) would want to learn from you...

(pix) The Ultimate Thai Lady Boy

1) Get like minded ULARs in your team

Great minds think a like ...greater minds think how to snake together.... gossip boy says... so make sure you got your ULAR friend at the office handy at times when your ULAR session is bout to be discovered by your boss... lets face it ..."sepandai pandai ular mengular akhirnya jadi sup ular juga".. so your fellow conspirator has to be ready to pick up some slack JUST in case you ULAR session goes awry... an example of a fellow ULAR covering for another ULAR goes like this....

ULAR 1 : "Homes, cover for me. I feel like leaving office early today. Just tell boss I was in the toilet la then i chow"

ULAR 2 : "Okok... will do" (while surfing facebook)

BOSS ULAR : "Where ULAR 1 ah? Ask him to write down meeting minutes can take two weeks to type the damn thing and still got spelling mistakes. Bloody hell"

ULAR 2: " He went toilet la boss. Say got big project. Maybe won't be back to Office"

BOSS ULAR : "WTF. Ask him to see me NOW!!!"

ULAR 2 flips out H/P to call ULAR 1

ULAR 2 : "Woi...U die la tai lo...why so noisy one?? Wahhh ...so fast happy hour???""

CAUTION...as you deal with your fellow ULARs...it would only be a matter of time before they shed their skin and reveal their true colours...make sure they don't use it against you in the future...just in case!

2) Faking an MC...

(pix) You're the best if you can fake this...

If you feel like ULARing away for the entire day but you're not sick...and you discover you only got 1 day left in your annual leave...maybe you would consider FAKING an MC...

Noooo...it wouldn't be advisable to buy MCs..because 1) It involves money..current market rate RM 20...(inflation so price went up) 2) It's unethical 3) Why buy when you can use your Co. Medical Card and get free consultation and...best of all..FREE MC!!

How To...
(pix) Locum doctor like this one will do

Step 1: Find around your neighbourhood a few dodgy clinics ... those with branches and lots of locum doctors are the best...they just don't bother if they've issued 1000 mcs a day ...its all bout the mooollaaaahh... why a few?? hey...even the bosses are not stupid...if you got a regular supplier of MC..even the HR people would start doing their work and begin to notice...you stupid!!

Step 2: Wake up early in the morn...brush your teeth..(you don't want the doctor to smell your morning breath) ...don't bath...mess up your hair and while in the car to go to the clinic...blast your air cond towards your face...in particular lip area...

Step 3: At clinic...look sorrowful like a sad lost puppy to gain some sympathy votes...walk as though you are on your death sentence...talk slurry...like you took some pot...eyes downwards...display your chapped lips prominently to gain his / her attention...and among list of diseases easiest to pass through undetected and unharmed by any ass prober or worse...jabs!!...are 1) "tummy ache...been going to the toilet 24 times since last night..." 2) "migraine...i think i am too stressed out to go to work...sharp probing pain...sniff sniff.... 3) "hangover...had too much to drink when entertaining client yesterday...vomitted yesterday...and now dehydrated....

Step 4: Try not to smile too hard when asking for MC...or even better..if the doctor actually offers you MC...act hesitantly as though there's something super duper urgent at work for you to do for 4 seconds then accept...anything more than 4 seconds the doctor will smell a bullshit at work...

Step 5: Head back home joyously and go back to sleep...mission accomplished!!! yea!!!

The Boss Replies To Previous Post (Missing Work)

2008-07-14T10:06:00.000-07:00

Good day, cubicle cretins!

Being the fair and virtuous people that we are, we have decided to allow an employer to post his reply to our previous post on how to miss work. Here goes!

So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!

The Boss.

Top Five Excuses For Missing Work

2008-07-13T08:50:00.000-07:00

Morning lab rats!

Today we're going to educate you to use some original excuses for skipping out on work (use discretely).

1. I was auditioning for Malaysian Idol

2. My car exploded

3. My route was blocked by a political protest

4. The line at Starbucks was long

5. I just got out of jail this morning

Office Prank: You're Being Replaced!

2008-07-10T18:18:00.000-07:00

I'm sure all of you have a coworker that you really hate, this is how you get back at him/her. Make them think that their job is on the market!

Requirements:

Time (low) - all you’re going to need to do is write a job ad - shouldn’t take you much time.
Cost (low) - you can go the cheap route and put the job ad up on all free sites or you could pay some money and put it up on a big job site.
Risk (low) - there’s really not a big risk for you except for maybe falsely advertising a job that doesn’t exist (which is cruel for the people that’ll call as you are wasting their time).

Steps:
Fill out an ad for the job your coworker does. Put their phone number and email as the contact info and make sure to put in some interesting job requirements.
Put the ad up on your favorite job listing sites (JobStreet, JObsDB, Monster)

Result:
Depending on what you put on your ad, you’ll get different results. If you went the obvious and easy route, like putting down a high amount of pay with low requirements, your victim should get a lot of phone calls and emails, which will either scare him a bit that his job might actually be open.

However, you could also go a more creative route by putting down some interesting requirements. Perhaps the applicants all must speak a certain language that isn’t English, or must all send in essays on why most people (like your victim) don’t do their job well. You could really have some fun with it, but keep in mind that you are going to be wasting the time of some actual job applicants!

Suggested Alternative Careers for Conventional Boring Office People Part 1

2008-07-09T07:08:00.000-07:00

Gossip boy

"Work life is like a box of chocolates, you know you are getting an expired box if it's too good to be true"...Gossip boy

If you happen to be a sad MOFO middle class kid who's stuck in the morning rush to Kay Ell every day in his middle class national car that bleeds petrol and screams REPAIR!, who lives in his four by four greying cubicle from 9 to 9 staring at the computer screen, put up with a dead end job that pays church mice better, contend with office asswipe goofballs who think his lame ass jokes are funny and that everyone ACTUALLY likes him and a boss who's god's gift to assholism, then...

You might happen to have thoughts of just slapping your collegues a few good times, stick a 'KICK ME' sign at the back of the office goofball with permanent glue and do the Stone Cold Steve Austin on your boss punya head a few good times...rest assured... i feel you

Then maybe its time to consider alternative careers which might not be too steep of a corporate ladder to climb, but nonetheless i am sure it's more fulfilling than what you currently are experiencing as of right now and morally and spiritually upLiFTING (sad self consoling effort of an underachiever)

Here are one or two alternative careers that might interest you

1) DIGI Yellow Man (the fatty)

Pros:

People are more receptive of you

You're always BRIGHT and in centre of attention

Kids love you...at least somebody does now

You get to stalk people without excuse and sing I will folo u...

International Assignments might be a possibility

Cons

Racist Employment... La La Chinese only

Feng Shui masters might want to kidnap you...remember the DIGI ad?

2) Mat Rempit

Pros

You might be the next Valentino Rossi

Easy Bohsia girls and Easier bapuks... "easy like Sunday Morning" aka Lionel Ritchie

You might be the next big star in "KL Menjerit" or "Kampung Baru Rangers" or "Mami Jarum" or "Jangan Main Belakang"

You get a free trip to North Pole to skydive from your UMNO friends

No need to follow traffic rules... who does anyway?

Cons

Things might get a bit "hairy" when the cops are in town

You might lose your wallet

Have cops on your back

or even worse

Or even worse...lose your head...haha

"My Boss" Poem

2008-07-07T08:30:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone!

Today we're bringing you an original poem by Cubiclues. It's about our favourite person at the office, the Boss!

My Boss

My boss is the biggest fool but thinks he is cool,
He talks like he's from Harvard but he dropped out of high school,

My boss got this job because of plain dumb luck,

Because his greatest achievement is being a suck up.

My boss says he saved the company when times were dire,

But we all know the truth that he is a big fat liar,

All he did was play golf and have lunch at the company's expense,

While the accountants got creative with the balance sheet and suspense.

My boss likes to motivate us with speeches on goals,

When all we see in his future is a gaping black hole,

My boss uses words like "vision" and "potential",

But he doesn't even have a single professional credential.

My boss makes jokes that he thinks are funny and are a hoot,
Except for the time he got slapped with a sexual harassment lawsuit,

My boss does however make us laugh on occasion,
Like the time he sent us this picture of his year end vacation.

Employee Evaluation

2008-07-06T07:28:00.000-07:00

Paula Nivel was asked by her Managing Director, Janet George to write a detailed employee evaluation of her assistant manager, Anna Spawan.

1. Anna Spawan, my assistant manager is often found

2. hard at work in her cubicle. Anna works independently, without

3. wasting company time talking to colleagues. Anna never

4. thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and she always

5. finishes given assignments on time. Often Anna takes extended

6. measures to complete her work, sometimes skipping coffee

7. breaks. Anna is an individual who has absolutely no

8. vanity in spite of her high accomplishments and profound

9. knowledge in her field. I firmly believe that Anna can be

10. classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be

11. dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Anna be

12. promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be

13. executed as soon as possible.

Signed,

Paula Nivel

A memo was soon sent following the initial letter.

Janet,

That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines above (1, 3, 5, etc...) for my true assessment of her.

Regards,
Paula.

Types Of People At Work Part 3

2008-07-03T10:26:00.000-07:00

Buongiorno colleghi!

Enjoy the final installment of Types Of People At Work!

7. The Old Bag

The Old Bag of the office aka Old Lady aka Ancient Relic is the office stalwart who has been there since the beginning of time. She wears clothes your grandmama wouldn't be caught dead in and smells like a funeral parlor. For some reason she still comes to the office every day and no one knows what she really does.

There are two kinds of Old Bags basically, one the benign and benevolent one (seen knitting here) and the other is The Bitch at an advanced age. The Kind Old Bag is harmless except for the fact that she puts people to sleep with stories of her great-great-great grandchildren. The Mean Old Bag despises anyone younger than her and is out to get you. To defy her efforts, simply call the old folks' home and report a missing resident. Before they arrive, slip a sleeping pill into her tea. When she wakes up and realizes where she is, she might not even want to come back to work.

8. The Goofball

The Office Goofball is the life of the party. The fun in funny. The, oh well you get it. He can be your best friend when you are in need of some serious bro-time or to fool around. He is exemplary when it comes to any activities that do not involve any actual work, like office sports events, birthday parties, karaoke nights, etc. He will not let you down.

However the Goofball is not reliable when it comes to his job and if you are his friend, this could compromise your relationship. To make sure all work and no play doesn't make Jack dull, orchestrate silly competitions based around work. First person to make a 100 sales gets a free round of drinks after work! Highest number of orders processed in a day gets an extra round on the office Playstation (yes, some offices do have them).

9. The Boss

There are basically two types of Bosses (gender notwithstanding): adept and inept.

The adept Boss is seen as the ideal manager, capable of motivating subordinates to achieve long term organizational goals and fulfill their own self actualization. This Boss is the Utopian dream. If you have him or her, I suggest you stay put.

The inept boss just talks a lot and goes to lunch with clients and/or plays golf with them. Unfortunately most of us are stuck with this boss. There is not much you can do for they arrived at their position through contacts or plain dumb luck. To handle a Boss of this calibre, refer to "How To Look Busy At Work". These are surefire ways to fool your genius of a Boss. Also, you might want to learn their idiosyncracies and use them to win your boss's favor. You called, Boss? Coming!!

A presto!

What sort of Office Politician are you? Part 1

2008-07-03T09:36:00.000-07:00

wei liv nal...

Office and politics are never too far apart from one another like 'aur and tebing' or translation 'river and riverbed' and fortunately in Malaysia, we never run out of 'colourful' and 'wonderful' and 'bloodyfool' politicians to draw our inspiration from...so today... as my first ever post... wei liv nal would like to dispense his wisely observations on what sort of office politician you actually are when you are in office ...

1. Najib Razak

You are a Najib Razak when ...

1. You're son of so and so at office and you're close to the pinnacle of the company's hierarchy and almost in danger of becoming the almost 'top dog'
2. You don't look too bright but you're actually pretty smart in navigating away from trouble and keeping the company just afloat w/out exerting your brain cells too much...so you use it to your greatest advantage at office
3. You're a guru in the 'buat bodoh' expression and always get away with it at office when scandals explode around you in office
4. You've got a pretty good eye on all the office ladies... whenever your wife is not around
5.You're 'explosive!' and blow your competitors away in many kinds of ways
6. You're favorite words are "Matter solved" and "Be cool"
7. You favorite food is Mongolian fried chicken
8. If you're married... you're constantly henpecked by your wife and she helps you run meetings at times... especially big ones...
9. You 'anal' with your work and like to enter from the back office door...
10. Your most likely in Purchasing Department or in Russian Business Development

2. Khairy J

You're a Khairy at the office when...

1. You are a young superstar / up and coming hotshot at office...you're boss loves you...you're colleagues secretly loathes you..and the secretaries adore you...
2. You're most likely somebody's son in law as well... the boss in most cases
3. You're foreign grad... oxbridge or oxford brookes or some 3 + 0 programmes and most of the time... the reputation exceeds you true capability...
4. You get your way in the office by secretly manipulating the boss and you keep secret files on all your colleagues just in case they decide to spill the beans on you
5. You're brash, ignorant of people's ideas and push your weight around to make sure the office goes your way or the highway...
6. You like Maya Karin
7. You're most likely a management associate, special projects officer in the CEO's office or in the strategic planning department

3. Samy V

You're a Samy V when...

1. You're the old goat of the office whose been in the same company longer than the office furniture...you've seen many office regimes rise and fall and yet you're still around in the same chair and desk in the same god damn position
2. You talk shit and brag alot... mostly bout how the good auld days are over and things in the company are better when so and so were around..
3. You're a kiss ass to the boss and you lick him dry till he can't stand your face but he don't have the heart to actually lay you off
4. You're always in charge of collecting donations, funeral 'pak kham', sports day fees, birthday cake fees, and the list goes on...
5. You can never accept new ways of doing things and chances are you tried using your typewriter till today instead of microsoft word
6 Everyone volunteers to organize your retirement party at an earlier date than your actual retirement day for some unknown reason...

regards,

wei liv nal

Types Of People At Work Part 2

2008-07-02T06:31:00.000-07:00

Bonjour, my crafty colleagues!

Today we continue with Part Deux of our installment of Types Of People At Work. Enjoy!

4. The Bitch

The office Bitch is the conniving, backstabbing female who will use any opportunity to ensure your downfall. Her behavior stems from a failed relationship and/or issues with her parents. Office Bitches are common in all departments and functions. She may or may not be friendly with you, if it is the former, you need to watch your back.

The office Bitch is highly skilled at twisting things you said (or didn't) and insinuating devious acts that you did not commit. Her ultimate goal is not to undermine your position in the company, but to satiate her insecurities by watching others fail. To counter her advances, first, gain her trust by assuring her of her many attractive qualities and the fact that your life is pathetic compared to hers. One you have convincingly painted a picture of your haplesness, she will begin telling you secrets about her life no one knew. Once you have sufficient dirt, compile it and craft a plan on how to blackmail or destroy her.

5. The Sycophant

The Ass Kisser. Brown Noser. Apple Polisher. Whatever you want to call him, the Sycophant is just plain annoying because he has not one shred of dignity left in him and sucks up to the boss like a vacuum on steroids (well, you get the idea). The Sycophant lives to serve the boss's every whim and fancy and usually profits from his shameless hoovering through privileges or organizational leverage. While he is unanimously hated, no one can stand up to him because of his special place in your boss's heart and ass.

To manage your realtionship with the Sycophant, assure him that you are no threat to his relationship with the boss. Then praise him for his incomparable patience and loyalty. Once he lets his guard down, he will start to complain about how the boss doesn't appreciate him and that he can do a better job. You of course, will capitalise on this and plant thoughts of doubt in his mind. Assure him that he is more than well equipped to manage the company in ways thay your boss never could. Then sit back and watch a failed coup d'etat take place.

6. The HR Rep

The Human Resources Representative is the overly politically correct, by the books, goodie two shoes who lives and breathes the company values. He was once human, but after joining the company he became a robot. The HR Rep will never besmirch the company and can always be heard extolling the company's virtues and defending its honor.

Fret not, for the HR Rep is but a man after working hours. To show him that he is accepted as part of the office and not just a necessary nuisance, invite him out to drinks after work. Show him a good time. Snap a few pictures of him downing tequila shots and harassing barmaids. Listen to him spill the secrets of your colleagues. Now you have your own HR file. Use wisely and only in emergencies where your job is threatened.

Come back tomorrow for our final installment of "Types Of People At Work"!

Types Of People At Work Part 1

2008-07-01T05:07:00.000-07:00

Hello, my sneaky little subordinates!

Our topic for today is the common types of people who dwell in your workplace. We will be teaching you how to identify them and manipulate them to your benefit. Let's start, shall we?

1. The Douchebag

The office Douchebag can easily be identified as the pretentious and often sleazy colleague you cannot stand. He will most likely be in Sales, Marketing or Business Solutions but never in Accounting. The Douchebag wears clothes that are expensive but lacking in taste and tact and likes to trumpet his own mediocre achievements to anyone who will listen.

The Douchebag is fond of hip industry jargon and will use it even in unsuitable contexts, he also has a tacky workspace decorated with pictures of himself, scantily clad women or cheesy motivational posters. To manipulate the douchebag, compliment him on his clothes, hair or recent "achievements". He will then be pleased enough to help with your request. But bear in mind that he will never let you (or anyone in the office) forget about it.

2. The Bimbo

The office Bimbo is the typical dimwitted female whose time is more often than not spent on frivolous activities that do not involve work such as reapplying her make up, gossiping and meeting cute guys at lunch. She wears fashionable but inappropriate clothes which earn her the approval and attention of the office males but is scorned by her own sex out of jealousy.

The Bimbo can often be found in administrative positions or in customer service where her perkiness and feminine wiles are put to good use. To befriend the Bimbo, start gossiping with her about the latest office scandal or ask her where she got her fetching shoes. She will be most pleased and invite you to a marathon screening of Sex And the City. If you survive, use her insider knowledge for your own insidious agenda.

3. The Weirdo

The office Weirdo is the person everyone shuns or avoids because of their peculiar mannerisms, social retardation or stalker tendencies. Some term him as the outcast or the freak. You may also know him as your office accountant. He can often be seen in mismatched, wrinkled clothes looking like he slept in them the night before to save time. While some office Weirdos deserve sympathy, most are ostracised because they are just a pain in the a-hole. He often makes silly requests or stares at people awkwardly.

The Weirdo is the easiest to toy with but the most unstable. Approach him at lunch (he'll be sitting alone, as always) and talk to him. He will repay you with a lifelong friendship and all the data he has on your colleagues stolen from company resources and intranet databases. Keep the police on speedial if you intend to continue using the office Weirdo.

Stay tuned for our second installment of "Types Of People At Work"!

Motivational Posters For Your Workspace

2008-06-30T05:18:00.000-07:00

Good day, my procrastinating professionals!

Today we're going to show you some of the qualities and values that you need to get to the very top. These posters are not only powerful visual imagery but also provide your colleagues with an excuse to come over and start a conversation!

Motivated enough now? Good, now back to the daily grind!

How To Manage An Office Romance

2008-06-29T09:49:00.000-07:00

Salutations, cubicle clones!

Today we are going to talk about that age old office taboo: office romances. Since the dawn of time, office romances have more often than not been the downfall of many employees and management personnel.

The golden rule is; don't s*** where you eat. If it goes well, good for you! Now you can fight at work and at home! But if it goes pear shaped, everyone will find out and you become the butt of a forwarded email joke. But if you must insist on this lusty liaison, take heed of the following rules:

1. Don't tell ANYONE

It's amazingly simple and logical, yet many a time one or both people in the relationship blab (or brag) to someone else in the office ("Man, I'm beat. The boss has been keeping me up all night!"). Shut up about it and both of you can continue to work overtime on your figures.

2. Ignore each other at the office

I know you're tempted. You want to send a lovenote with one of those cute emoticons. DON'T. If IT services doesn't see it, some nosy loser happening to pass by will. Don't even share one of those fleeting glances as you cross paths at the water cooler. If you are particularly skilled in theatrics, you could even feign incredible disdain for your office paramour to throw everyone off the scent ("Darcy is a complete tosser. Screw him!"). Indeed you are.

3. Never be seen in public by colleagues

Now this could prove constraining yet oddly exciting in its duplicity (secret romances heighten adrenaline and hormones). You must be aware of your surroundings at all times! Be prepared to jump into a bush or fall into a fountain should you see a colleague as the two of you are frivolously frolicking. If you are caught red handed, say you met to discuss filing a joint sexual harassment complaint about that sketchy dude in Accounting.

4. Deny, deny, deny

Should any rumors arise regarding your post office hours activities, plead innocence like you're OJ. Never admit your affair and discredit him or her if need be ("I would never date her, the most profound thing she ever read was The National Enquirer"). If confronted by your boss, act disgusted that he could suggest such a thing and file a grievance report with HR regarding false accusations. Your boss wll then shut you up by offering a generous raise.

Now that you know the four fundamentals of managing your office romance, go ahead and date that colleague you have the hots for. Just make sure your boss hasn't beat you to it.

Good luck!

How To Look Busy At Work

2008-06-28T06:45:00.000-07:00

Greetings, office drones!

I see you have visited this blog for some sagely advice on how to get ahead at work, well done! Now we all know how important hard work is to getting you to the top of that corporate ladder, but you know what's more important? Looking like you're working hard, that's what.

Truth is, your boss doesn't know what the heck you're doing but you can make him think you're doing a whole lot and more! Here's how:

1. Fabricate the illusion of intense activity at all times. Your desk must never be clean, cover it with files, documents, stationery, etc. They say a clear desk equals a clear mind, but we say a cluttered desk means you have a LOT on your mind. For optimum effect, recreate World War II at your cubicle.

2. Looks are everything. Always maintain a mixed expression of frustration, focus and fascination for the "work" you are doing. Be careful not to confuse your expressions or you will look constipated. It is also helpful to have several pens to complete your diligent look; one on your ear and another to write with.

3. Feigned multitasking. Open several programs on your PC and never let any of your hands be empty or idle. When your boss or colleagues pass by, make sure you are being modest in response to "praise" on the phone and staring at your computer while furiously typing gibberish on an empty Word document.

4. Rush around the office with a folder and documents in hand while looking at them intensely. That way, everyone in the office can see how dedicated you are to work even if you are on the way to take a dump.

5. Complain to no one in particular. Every once in awhile, stop working to sigh loudly or groan in agony. Make rhetoric statements like "Why can't they process my report fast enough?" or "Damn this PC, It's slowing me down!".

6. Flagrantly use the phrase "Email me and I'll get back to you." Look annoyed when you say it, it increases the probability that they won't bother to email you.

7. Arrive for work slightly earlier than everyone and look like you're already knee deep in work. When you're colleagues greet you with good morning, say "There's nothing good about it."

8. Creative use of jargon and industry buzzwords. This shows you're up to date with the business environment. Be convincing in conversations, they don't have to know what you're saying, just that it sounds impressive.

While this list is not exhaustive, these are surefire ways to get you noticed by employees for being the "career focused, intense dude". They will bother you less and your boss will admire your work while not knowing what it is.

Now get back to work!