Salutations, cubicle clones!Today we are going to talk about that age old office taboo: office romances. Since the dawn of time, office romances have more often than not been the downfall of many employees and management personnel.
The golden rule is; don't s*** where you eat. If it goes well, good for you! Now you can fight at work and at home! But if it goes pear shaped, everyone will find out and you become the butt of a forwarded email joke. But if you must insist on this lusty liaison, take heed of the following rules:
1. Don't tell ANYONE
It's amazingly simple and logical, yet many a time one or both people in the relationship blab (or brag) to someone else in the office ("Man, I'm beat. The boss has been keeping me up all night!"). Shut up about it and both of you can continue to work overtime on your figures.
2. Ignore each other at the office
I know you're tempted. You want to send a lovenote with one of those cute emoticons. DON'T. If IT services doesn't see it, some nosy loser happening to pass by will. Don't even share one of those fleeting glances as you cross paths at the water cooler. If you are particularly skilled in theatrics, you could even feign incredible disdain for your office paramour to throw everyone off the scent ("Darcy is a complete tosser. Screw him!"). Indeed you are.
3. Never be seen in public by colleagues
Now this could prove constraining yet oddly exciting in its duplicity (secret romances heighten adrenaline and hormones). You must be aware of your surroundings at all times! Be prepared to jump into a bush or fall into a fountain should you see a colleague as the two of you are frivolously frolicking. If you are caught red handed, say you met to discuss filing a joint sexual harassment complaint about that sketchy dude in Accounting.
4. Deny, deny, deny
Should any rumors arise regarding your post office hours activities, plead innocence like you're OJ. Never admit your affair and discredit him or her if need be ("I would never date her, the most profound thing she ever read was The National Enquirer"). If confronted by your boss, act disgusted that he could suggest such a thing and file a grievance report with HR regarding false accusations. Your boss wll then shut you up by offering a generous raise.
Now that you know the four fundamentals of managing your office romance, go ahead and date that colleague you have the hots for. Just make sure your boss hasn't beat you to it.
Good luck!
Greetings, office drones!I see you have visited this blog for some sagely advice on how to get ahead at work, well done! Now we all know how important hard work is to getting you to the top of that corporate ladder, but you know what's more important? Looking like you're working hard, that's what.
Truth is, your boss doesn't know what the heck you're doing but you can make him think you're doing a whole lot and more! Here's how:
1. Fabricate the illusion of intense activity at all times. Your desk must never be clean, cover it with files, documents, stationery, etc. They say a clear desk equals a clear mind, but we say a cluttered desk means you have a LOT on your mind. For optimum effect, recreate World War II at your cubicle.
2. Looks are everything. Always maintain a mixed expression of frustration, focus and fascination for the "work" you are doing. Be careful not to confuse your expressions or you will look constipated. It is also helpful to have several pens to complete your diligent look; one on your ear and another to write with.
3. Feigned multitasking. Open several programs on your PC and never let any of your hands be empty or idle. When your boss or colleagues pass by, make sure you are being modest in response to "praise" on the phone and staring at your computer while furiously typing gibberish on an empty Word document.
4. Rush around the office with a folder and documents in hand while looking at them intensely. That way, everyone in the office can see how dedicated you are to work even if you are on the way to take a dump.
5. Complain to no one in particular. Every once in awhile, stop working to sigh loudly or groan in agony. Make rhetoric statements like "Why can't they process my report fast enough?" or "Damn this PC, It's slowing me down!".
6. Flagrantly use the phrase "Email me and I'll get back to you." Look annoyed when you say it, it increases the probability that they won't bother to email you.
7. Arrive for work slightly earlier than everyone and look like you're already knee deep in work. When you're colleagues greet you with good morning, say "There's nothing good about it."
8. Creative use of jargon and industry buzzwords. This shows you're up to date with the business environment. Be convincing in conversations, they don't have to know what you're saying, just that it sounds impressive.
While this list is not exhaustive, these are surefire ways to get you noticed by employees for being the "career focused, intense dude". They will bother you less and your boss will admire your work while not knowing what it is.
Now get back to work!
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