Resume Mistakes

Hola office ogres!

Today we're going to educate you on what not to include on those nifty resumes of yours. You may think it's common sense, but you'll see from the following examples (true stories) that some people don't have any!

1. Personal: Married with 5 children. Only two are mine.

2. My strength is in my tremendous loyalty. Don't tell my current employers though.

3. Although I have listed 17 jobs on my resume, I am not a job hopper. In fact, I have never quit any of them.

4. Reason For Leaving Last Job- I couldn't work for Mum forever now could I?

5. Please call me after 6pm. I am self-employed but my employer does not know I am looking for another job.

Top 5 Sure-Fire Ways To Be Excused From A Meeting

1. Say your dealer just called and the cops are confiscating your part of the stash.

2. Wet your pants and tell everyone that "it happens when I'm excited"

3. Aim your laser pointer at people's genitals and yell "Keep your hands where I can see them!"

4. Start to yawn, then slowly progress to sleeping on the table and finally slump lifelessly to the floor

5. Begin to ask a question, with "Excuse me, you make a valid point there but why...M! C! A! It's fun to stay at the YMCA-ay!

The Things We Think And Do Not Say

========= PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT ========

A man is the sum total of his experiences.

How can we do something surprising, and memorable with our lives? How can we turn this job, in small but important ways, into a better representation of ourselves? Most of us would easily say that we are our jobs. That's obvious from the late hours we all keep. So then, it is bigger than work, isn't it? It is about us.

How do we wish to define our lives?

Is it important to be a Person and not just a slave to commerce and industry? Do we want to be Remembered?

Let's bring soul and character to what is already there. I propose that we recreate everything that we're currently about. Right now we're at the top of our game. Traditionally people do one thing at this point in their success. They try like hell to maintain what they did to get there.
Their personal and intense road to success, their original inspiration (which is at the heart of every success) is now lost in the pursuit to keep the money machine smoothly rolling forward.

Delivering crisp green sheets of greater and greater amounts of fortune. But there is a problem with this stage in the success game. In so doing this maintain-success cycle, they forget the original glimmer of passion that got them there.

And historically, no one successful ever pauses to think that they might tumble like everyone before them who forgot. The whole success cycle dooms the very thing that causes the success in the first place - it puts shutters on the windows of reality. It makes us all forget that monetary success comes from something very pure. It comes from a desire to do well, to make life better, not just to do well with financial regularity.

Let us be honest with ourselves.

Let us be honest with them.

Forget the dance.

Focus.

What do you REALLY want?

White Collar Woes Poem

TGIF! And to celebrate that we here at Cubiclues are bringing you another of our original poems. This one is called "White Collar Woes"!

White Collar Woes

I lie in bed at five past six and can't bear the thought of work,
My name card says senior executive but I'm just a glorified clerk,
My colleagues are all idiots but my boss doesn't seem to know,
Maybe it's because she's in the dictionary under the word bimbo.

I sit in my cubicell and stare at the walls,
I do nothing all day but shake and bake balls,
I pass the time by daydreaming about my year end vacation,
While I surf porn sites from my little workstation.

Watercooler time, let's check what's the goss,
Bob says he knows something funny about the boss,
He swears me to secrecy and proceeds to tell it so,
That the boss used to be a dude like five years ago.

Two three four o'clock five o'clock rock!
I'm outta my seat and punched out the clock,
Heading back home before I'm driven any more insane,
Another two days till I get those white collar woes again!

Have a grrrreat weekend everybody!

Corporate Language Explained

Hello my hopeless hermits!

Today we're going to translate some of the sophisticated terms you encounter in your day-to-day corporate life. Read between the lines!

1. MUST BE METICULOUS AND DETAILED- responsibility for your work lies with you, we can't afford quality inspections

2. GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS- tell the clients what they want to hear and listen to everything the boss has to say

3. TEAM PLAYER- your contribution is appreciated but you're not getting any of the credit

4. PRO-ACTIVE AND RESPONSIBLE- do what you have to do without being told, if anything bad happens it's your fault alone

5. COMPETITIVE SALARY- our offer is comparable to the lowest in the industry

6. CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE- we pay you to little to expect you to dress well

7. EXPERIENCED CANDIDATE PREFERRED- to make up for the combined experience of four people who just left

8. CAREER MINDED- no life, no family, just work

9. EXCELLENT REMUNERATION AND BONUS- we own your ass for life

10. MUST BE FLEXIBLE- bend down, grab your ankles and enjoy it

Top 10 Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren't

Hello my bored business barnacles!

Today we're going to get down and dirty with the things you heard at the office that made you go what?? (Taken from www.bitoffun.com)

10. I need to whip it out by 5.

9. Mind if I use your laptop.

8. Put it in my box before I leave.

7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!!.

6. I want it on my desk, NOW.

5. HMMMMMMMMMM.....I think it's out of fluid.

4. My equipment is so old it takes forever to finish.

3. It's an entry-level position.

2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?

AND #1...It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there.

That's what she said!

20 Things You'd Love To Say At Work

Greetings my garrulous gremlins!

Today we are going to have a little therapy session. And what better way to achieve catharsis than by getting all the things we want to say off our chests!

1. Did you wake up on the wrong side of your period today?

2. Oh, hey the Loch Ness monster look DOES work for you

3. Your perfume smells nice, what is it called? Urine?

4. It's not right to point fingers. So I'll just say it's your fault.

5. I called in sick yesterday. Sick of you.

6. You remind me of a younger version of myself. Except that I was never a damned moron.

7. I can't hear what you're saying, come back later when I'm deaf.

8. I just got off the phone with yo mamma, she said it's time for your breastfeeding.

9. The boss wants to see you in his room. Do you need a condom while you're there?

10. You're a hero to working mums everywhere. In fact, you're like our office's version of Britney.

11. I can't understand a word of your vagina monologue.

12. I'd like to use your powerpoint presentation...to wipe my ass.

13. Hey, I hope the coffee I made isn't too sweet? I only put two teaspoons of piss in it.

14. Hey man, your car just exploded. Don't worry, before it happened I moved it to an empty space where no one could get hurt.

15. Hey boss, I saw your personal ad in the classifieds yesterday. Real classy. How much do you charge per hour again?

16. I was dumbstruck by your presentation. Who knew your species had evolved this much?

17. I signed that document you needed. Oh, I ran out of pens so I used my faeces instead. Hope you don't mind!

18. Did it hurt when you bent over backwards for the boss?

19. I'd like to help but I'm really tired from last night. Your wife was insatiable!

20. Don't worry, shit happens. And you just happen to be full of it.

Now go print these and use them whenever you can! (Or you could make some nifty t-shirts or mugs)

*This list is an original piece. Please credit the blog if you wish to reproduce it.

I Am Jack's Medulla Oblongata

Public Service Announcement

I know you. You, yuppie-consumerist-corporation slave-zombie. You woke up this morning, dreading the thought of another 12 hour work day, tied to your desk, pushing your paper and counting your beans while being consoled by the fact that you are only 4 days away from the weekend and 20, 000 more till you bite the dust.

What would you have accomplished by then? A little money in the bank? Two ingrate children who dump you in the retirement home where you spend the rest of your days reminiscing about what could have been? Some nice memories that are slowly becoming distorted after all those years vicariously living through others.

Wake up, you idiot. Stop guzzling that Starbucks swill and get off your ergonomic IKEA chair. This is your life. Live it.

What are you? Just another statistic. What do we care about? Celebrity gossip. Fancy cars. Designer clothes. Technological solutions for modern living. You don't need that. It doesn't fill the void where your soul used to be. It does not make your life any less of the living hell it is right now.

You are not your job. You are not your bank account. You are not the contents of your wallet. You are NOT your fucking sedan car.

The things you own, end up owning you.

I say never be complete. May you never be content. I say stop being perfect. Evolve. Let the chips fall where they may.

We are the middle children of history. We are born of mediocrity and we will die having achieved nothing. We have no great war, our war is a daily one that lies within. We have no great depression, except the one you call your life.

This is your life and it is ending one minute at a time. We are all part of the same grand tragedy. It is only after we have lost everything that we are free to do anything.

Who am I?

I am the person you are not strong enough to become. All the ways you wish you could be, that's me. I look like you want to look. I fuck like you want to fuck. I am smart. I am capable.
But most of all, I am free in all the ways that you are not.

Sincerely,

You.

Office Cartoons

Wake up slackers!

Here's some visual therapy to help you shake off those Monday blues!