How To Manage An Office Romance

Salutations, cubicle clones!

Today we are going to talk about that age old office taboo: office romances. Since the dawn of time, office romances have more often than not been the downfall of many employees and management personnel.

The golden rule is; don't s*** where you eat. If it goes well, good for you! Now you can fight at work and at home! But if it goes pear shaped, everyone will find out and you become the butt of a forwarded email joke. But if you must insist on this lusty liaison, take heed of the following rules:

1. Don't tell ANYONE

It's amazingly simple and logical, yet many a time one or both people in the relationship blab (or brag) to someone else in the office ("Man, I'm beat. The boss has been keeping me up all night!"). Shut up about it and both of you can continue to work overtime on your figures.

2. Ignore each other at the office

I know you're tempted. You want to send a lovenote with one of those cute emoticons. DON'T. If IT services doesn't see it, some nosy loser happening to pass by will. Don't even share one of those fleeting glances as you cross paths at the water cooler. If you are particularly skilled in theatrics, you could even feign incredible disdain for your office paramour to throw everyone off the scent ("Darcy is a complete tosser. Screw him!"). Indeed you are.

3. Never be seen in public by colleagues

Now this could prove constraining yet oddly exciting in its duplicity (secret romances heighten adrenaline and hormones). You must be aware of your surroundings at all times! Be prepared to jump into a bush or fall into a fountain should you see a colleague as the two of you are frivolously frolicking. If you are caught red handed, say you met to discuss filing a joint sexual harassment complaint about that sketchy dude in Accounting.

4. Deny, deny, deny

Should any rumors arise regarding your post office hours activities, plead innocence like you're OJ. Never admit your affair and discredit him or her if need be ("I would never date her, the most profound thing she ever read was The National Enquirer"). If confronted by your boss, act disgusted that he could suggest such a thing and file a grievance report with HR regarding false accusations. Your boss wll then shut you up by offering a generous raise.

Now that you know the four fundamentals of managing your office romance, go ahead and date that colleague you have the hots for. Just make sure your boss hasn't beat you to it.

Good luck!