Types Of People At Work Part 1

Hello, my sneaky little subordinates!

Our topic for today is the common types of people who dwell in your workplace. We will be teaching you how to identify them and manipulate them to your benefit. Let's start, shall we?

1. The Douchebag

The office Douchebag can easily be identified as the pretentious and often sleazy colleague you cannot stand. He will most likely be in Sales, Marketing or Business Solutions but never in Accounting. The Douchebag wears clothes that are expensive but lacking in taste and tact and likes to trumpet his own mediocre achievements to anyone who will listen.

The Douchebag is fond of hip industry jargon and will use it even in unsuitable contexts, he also has a tacky workspace decorated with pictures of himself, scantily clad women or cheesy motivational posters. To manipulate the douchebag, compliment him on his clothes, hair or recent "achievements". He will then be pleased enough to help with your request. But bear in mind that he will never let you (or anyone in the office) forget about it.

2. The Bimbo

The office Bimbo is the typical dimwitted female whose time is more often than not spent on frivolous activities that do not involve work such as reapplying her make up, gossiping and meeting cute guys at lunch. She wears fashionable but inappropriate clothes which earn her the approval and attention of the office males but is scorned by her own sex out of jealousy.

The Bimbo can often be found in administrative positions or in customer service where her perkiness and feminine wiles are put to good use. To befriend the Bimbo, start gossiping with her about the latest office scandal or ask her where she got her fetching shoes. She will be most pleased and invite you to a marathon screening of Sex And the City. If you survive, use her insider knowledge for your own insidious agenda.

3. The Weirdo

The office Weirdo is the person everyone shuns or avoids because of their peculiar mannerisms, social retardation or stalker tendencies. Some term him as the outcast or the freak. You may also know him as your office accountant. He can often be seen in mismatched, wrinkled clothes looking like he slept in them the night before to save time. While some office Weirdos deserve sympathy, most are ostracised because they are just a pain in the a-hole. He often makes silly requests or stares at people awkwardly.

The Weirdo is the easiest to toy with but the most unstable. Approach him at lunch (he'll be sitting alone, as always) and talk to him. He will repay you with a lifelong friendship and all the data he has on your colleagues stolen from company resources and intranet databases. Keep the police on speedial if you intend to continue using the office Weirdo.

Stay tuned for our second installment of "Types Of People At Work"!