Types Of People At Work Part 2

Bonjour, my crafty colleagues!

Today we continue with Part Deux of our installment of Types Of People At Work. Enjoy!

4. The Bitch

The office Bitch is the conniving, backstabbing female who will use any opportunity to ensure your downfall. Her behavior stems from a failed relationship and/or issues with her parents. Office Bitches are common in all departments and functions. She may or may not be friendly with you, if it is the former, you need to watch your back.

The office Bitch is highly skilled at twisting things you said (or didn't) and insinuating devious acts that you did not commit. Her ultimate goal is not to undermine your position in the company, but to satiate her insecurities by watching others fail. To counter her advances, first, gain her trust by assuring her of her many attractive qualities and the fact that your life is pathetic compared to hers. One you have convincingly painted a picture of your haplesness, she will begin telling you secrets about her life no one knew. Once you have sufficient dirt, compile it and craft a plan on how to blackmail or destroy her.

5. The Sycophant

The Ass Kisser. Brown Noser. Apple Polisher. Whatever you want to call him, the Sycophant is just plain annoying because he has not one shred of dignity left in him and sucks up to the boss like a vacuum on steroids (well, you get the idea). The Sycophant lives to serve the boss's every whim and fancy and usually profits from his shameless hoovering through privileges or organizational leverage. While he is unanimously hated, no one can stand up to him because of his special place in your boss's heart and ass.

To manage your realtionship with the Sycophant, assure him that you are no threat to his relationship with the boss. Then praise him for his incomparable patience and loyalty. Once he lets his guard down, he will start to complain about how the boss doesn't appreciate him and that he can do a better job. You of course, will capitalise on this and plant thoughts of doubt in his mind. Assure him that he is more than well equipped to manage the company in ways thay your boss never could. Then sit back and watch a failed coup d'etat take place.

6. The HR Rep

The Human Resources Representative is the overly politically correct, by the books, goodie two shoes who lives and breathes the company values. He was once human, but after joining the company he became a robot. The HR Rep will never besmirch the company and can always be heard extolling the company's virtues and defending its honor.

Fret not, for the HR Rep is but a man after working hours. To show him that he is accepted as part of the office and not just a necessary nuisance, invite him out to drinks after work. Show him a good time. Snap a few pictures of him downing tequila shots and harassing barmaids. Listen to him spill the secrets of your colleagues. Now you have your own HR file. Use wisely and only in emergencies where your job is threatened.

Come back tomorrow for our final installment of "Types Of People At Work"!